Finding Wellness - Part 1

by Celeste Keepers

Setting the Stage

         Growing up in the country was a dream, footloose and fancy free… riding horses and motorcycles, braving the nearby swimming hole that I could have sworn had subzero temperatures, wading in the local irrigation ditch and pretending to fish (only to reel in unknown slime), roaming acres of land, with no cell phones or parental worries when we were gone half the day meandering amongst the unseen but ever-present rattlesnakes, wild animals, and poison oak that I frequently was victim to. I loved putting a halter on my horse, jumping on bareback and barefoot and going up into the woods in search of my dad out cutting firewood. Not everyone would love that life, but it suited me well.

The time came when I had to grow up and learn about the world outside the ranch, and when I did it hit hard. Our little country school was a good stepping stone into the harsh realities of the real world. But kids are mean no matter what school you grow up in and the older I got, the meaner they became as we all awkwardly acquainted ourselves with the uncertainty and insecurity that comes with the change in schools, our bodies, friends, etc. I wasn’t all that nice myself when I was being forced to be somewhere I didn’t want to be, wanting only to be home where I felt relaxed and safe.

Fortunately, there were summer breaks. In 5th grade I joined 4-H (a youth program focused on personal development through learning to care for horses) and began showing my horse. Huge learning curves manifested huge anxieties. Thankfully, I possessed a strong desire for adventure and accomplishment. Those drives overrode the anxiety of showing my horse in front of judges and stands full of people. I was forced to learn some deep coping strategies for stress and pushing through the discomfort. Some ways of coping were good and necessary, and others I could have done without. However, I ended up doing quite well in that world and, despite lacking the funds for real riding lessons, I gleaned what I could from others and ended up in championship classes and even the State Fair competitions.

Anxiety always lingered beneath the surface, but my youth, stable upbringing and healthy lifestyle kept it under-wraps. I was too busy with school and the horses to indulge in the temptations my peers regularly succumbed to. It felt good to be strong and healthy. Then came high school. Something in my brain shifted and I suddenly questioned everything I ever knew or felt. The peer pressure was so strong that when you didn’t conform, you were ousted as the weird one. I didn’t want to be weird anymore than anyone else did, so I wore the fashionable clothes we could afford, talked the talk, walked the walk. Fortunately, I found the right group of friends that helped me stay clear of the hard-core temptations that would have easily altered the course of my life.

But little did I know that I was making other choices that were subtly changing the course of my life anyway. My intuitive way of eating when I was hungry and not eating when I wasn’t came into question when I began seeing my best friend eat monster cookies for lunch, alternated with a dry salad the next day to balance things out. And there was always a Diet Coke in her hand to keep her belly feeling full. She was keeping her weight down with this method (the ultimate goal for a teenage girl), so being best friends I, of course, followed suit.

With that shift, I began experiencing the negative effects of blood sugar swings and would often find myself lightheaded and shaky due to the lack of sustainable nutrition in my body, in addition to the caffeine and chemicals from all the Diet Coke. I was used to going long stretches without eating, but besides my love for making chocolate chip cookies, I didn’t really eat much junk food. Not because I didn’t like it, but mostly because we couldn’t afford anything outside of basic meals. Little did I know that had saved me for many years.

When I was eating real, solid food it sustained me even with long stretches between meals, and I was none the wiser. Once I shifted my diet to go against “normal” eating patterns, I began focusing way too much on weight and how little I could get away with eating because, “Calories in, calories out,” right? We are still hearing that message all these years later even when study after study has proven that the way we metabolize a calorie from a piece of meat is in no way the same as the calorie that is in a cookie. But back then I knew nothing about nutrition, and even the experts had limited knowledge. I started ignoring my feelings and intuition because I thought I was doing things “right”.

This led to years of harmful eating patterns. I would read labels to find the lowest calorie items I could, with no awareness or concern of sugar content. Then, according to what I heard on TV, fat became the demon. So, I set my intention on limiting that as well. Even after going to college to get my degree in Health Promotion, with an emphasis on Nutrition and Fitness, that way of eating was the norm. Low fat, low calories and high sugar - no clarity on types of fat or carbs.

My anxiety was through the roof, which was yet another thing exacerbated by my food choices. I loved college but hated that I was so focused on things that kept me feeling unstable emotionally and physically much of the time. I didn’t know this way of eating was stressful on my body and the blood sugar swings that were common were only being mitigated by my youth and otherwise healthy lifestyle. It wasn’t until later when I was married and a new mom with new stresses and an inability to continue with my coping mechanisms, that it all came to a head and my body couldn’t compensate for my unhealthy decisions any longer.

I was grateful to be able to stay at home to raise my girls, but to say it was challenging for an introvert like me is an understatement. I wish I could go back and create a manual to prepare myself for how to manage my lifestyle habits beforehand, including the mindset encouraged by subtle societal messages that I needed to handle it all alone. Then, maybe, I wouldn’t have had to bring my family into the process that resulted from me trying to continue it all into motherhood.

Unfortunately, my doctor was very little help with proper nutrition during pregnancy, advising me to take prenatal vitamins as her one piece of nutrition advice. After reading into the matter, I also chose to forego caffeine during my pregnancies, so I had that one thing going for me. But, despite my education, my way of eating and coping with stress that had been “working” for years continued through my pregnancies and until my two girls were 2 and 4. My body was compensating the best way it could with the tools I was giving it...until one day it just couldn’t.

Crossroads

That day is strong in my memory because nothing has been the same for me since. Over a Labor Day Weekend, my husband, Jeremy, had gone to a church campout with Tara, our 4-year-old, the night before to have some time with just the two of them. The plan was for me to make the 2 hour drive the next day with our youngest daughter, Alicia, (almost 2) so we could spend the second night camping together. On my way out of town I stopped for my customary mocha at the local coffee stand to fend off the fatigue that had become my normal state of being since becoming a mother of two. With Alicia in the backseat, we made the drive without incident. By the time we arrived, the lift from the caffeine had become the jittery feeling I had gotten used to a couple hours after my caffeine indulgences. There was a heavy smell of smoke from a nearby forest fire, but once I asked around to confirm it wasn’t dangerously close, I continued on my way, ignoring the tension mounting inside of me.

After locating the rest of my family in the campground, Jeremy decided to take the girls swimming, so I tagged along on the short walk to the river to watch. Later, I needed to head back to the car for something and on the walk back, out of the blue, it hit — a full-blown panic attack. I had no frame of reference for this feeling and didn’t know that’s what was happening at the time. My heart felt like it would pound through my chest, my breathing constricted, and I felt like I needed to run for my life but didn’t have a reason. I literally thought I was about to die. It was the scariest thing I had ever experienced in my life.

There I was, standing alone with campers swirling around me doing their thing, completely clueless about what I was experiencing. My first thought was that it was from the smoke in the air. So, I went to my car and turned on the AC to get rid of the smell of smoke. The clean air helped, kind of. I felt like I could breathe better but my heart was still pounding. Every time I tried to get out of the car and smelled the smoke, my breathing would constrict, the panic ramping up. I drove around trying to keep the AC running and retain my sanity (years later, the smell of forest fires would continue to trigger panic in me because of this one day).

I didn’t have a phone with me, so I couldn’t contact Jeremy and there was no one around that I knew well enough to ask for help. After what felt like a long time, I decided I had survived this so far, so it was time to go find him to get help. Trying not to draw attention to myself while in this state of panic, I found Jeremy and tried to explain what was happening. He also lacked a frame of reference for what I was going through, so he just had to go by what I was telling him, since on the outside I looked perfectly fine.

All I could come up with was to go home, which felt like the only safe place to be at that point. Being the independent spirit that I was, and not wanting to ruin his camping trip, I told Jeremy I would be ok driving home and would take Alicia back with me. He conceded, knowing I had made up my mind. Being so “healthy” I rarely went to the doctor, so it didn’t even cross either of our minds to take that step. But little did we know that I was beginning a spiral that wouldn’t go away quickly.

Since the symptoms were only slightly helped by being in the car, I knew I would be “white knuckling” it home. I ended up calling my mom and sister back-to-back, just to have someone talk me through my drive. I’m glad I did, even though all I did was freak them out and start what would become a new line of questioning and confusion for those I was close to. We arrived home safely, but with my heart still racing and feeling like I was having to manage every breath that I took with the constant restriction in my chest and throat. I found an inhaler from when I had been sick and used that to help open my airway. It improved my breathing but made my heart race more, a side effect of the medication in the inhaler.

While Alicia played in her room, I drank a wine cooler that I had impulsively purchased on my way out of town. This was highly out of character for me since I didn’t normally drink, but it was all I could come up with as something known to calm nerves. And it did calm my nerves, but it also scared me because of it.  I can only thank God as a little voice took over and told me that, although it was helping in the moment it wasn’t the answer. But also in that moment, I had deep empathy for those who make that choice without knowing where else to turn. I didn’t yet know where to turn, but my family was a pretty strong incentive to avoid that path. 

My disturbing symptoms continued for several days, and I barely slept as the racing in my chest never calmed down. I kept myself distracted in the middle of the night by playing the piano and watching TV. It was a living hell. However, I still had two active young girls that needed mothering. But since I was used to internalizing my stress, this was just one more thing to push through, so I never asked for help. I honestly don’t know how I did it, but along with Jeremy, as he had time with his new home business, we managed.

After days of watching me in so much turmoil, Jeremy couldn’t just watch anymore and finally suggested seeking medical advice. I agreed, but somehow I knew that what was happening in me was something deep that had been a long time coming, and I needed to find someone that really understood what was going on at the root...